Wandering Wanderer

  

Because our feet are made to wander, to walk over rocks and from time to time sink on puddles
These feet were made to wander, experience and discover
Wander through unknown streets and bodies of water

Refusing to sink and daring to run

Discovering new people, new alleys and trails that had not previously met our eyes
These feet were made to wander so we could rest at the end of the road

At the end that is nowhere near us, wandering till we can’t no more

CSV 
Austin, August 2015 
“Existen momentos en los que todavía es necesario correr riesgos, dar pasos insensatos”- Paulo Coelho 

Tired Feet

  

We all have busy lives, days when we feel that we are the only ones that suffer or work 13-hour shifts. What we fail to understand is that we are not alone and we are not the only ones. I constantly feel that I have a helmet on everyday that I must wear to survive the grind and when I make it home at the end of the day, my feet ache and pulse, tired. I have tired feet; feet that take me to places I don’t always want to find myself at. 

Fernando sees my tired feet everyday and he urged in me that if I have tired feet it should be because I just came back from an adventure or if I am doing something I love. These tired feet have been to many places across the globe, on different shores and have struggled to walk up trails; never have these tired feet been more excited than now. I am headed to my “fatherland” as I like to call it, because Chile is where my father resides. The countdown is short-lived now as it is four days away. 

My father and sister have been warned that they will be my tour guides so this time my tired feet will be sore and will ache but I will be happy. 

So these tired feet will have new stories to tell, new roads to conquer- until then! 

-CSV 

Lovers’ (K)not

“Of Course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we’ll hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

In the duration of our relationships we find ourselves entangled like knots due to love or due to complications. In that time we try desperately to cling on to the good memories, the times when we slow danced when music was not playing or all the times he ran to the store to buy you cookies at midnight because you had a craving. Unfortunately, there are times when only the negative memories come to mind and all you remember are the times you argued in the car or the times when you went to bed mad and giving each other the silent treatment.

 

When we take leaps with someone instead of baby steps we hope that they are the correct person to do it with. It is also okay to go through a storm and realize that in the end the ship did not sink and that all that rain was well worth it. We don’t have it all figured out and we do not fully comprehend what it means to truly love someone and let him or her into our heads as well as our hearts. It is tough to love someone when you don’t know yourself yet or love yourself entirely.

 

I have seen friends get hurt and gone in and out of relationships and I have come to the realization in the past year that knots can become not’s and relationships do not always last if your significant other was not the right individual for you. It is okay to find out at the end that there are too many differences than shared interests and that a goodbye sometimes is better than a see you later. When love is ingenious enough to get into our heads and conquer our hearts, it does not guarantee us a happy ending or a forever. Love is what plants a seed, we are the ones that have to try daily to water it and make it grow. Love is not magic; it grows with effort, with shared interests, honesty, and commitment.

 

I know individuals that are scared to be alone and to that I say what my friend Antoine de Saint-Exupery said above: “To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence”. I spent over four years by myself and although back then I might not have always seen it that way, I would not go back and change it. Of course there were times when I looked around and I was the only one by myself but now I am glad I did that. I accepted the fear of being alone, of eating by myself at Chipotle or going to a work Christmas party without a +1. In order to share your life with someone else you must first build your own life and thoughts, not around them or because of them. 

 

To the ones that in the end realized that their +1 was not a forever, do not give up, we are all worth being loved and the right one will present itself. It is better to realize it now than later down the road when it is too hard. It is a weight lifted off your shoulders. To the ones that are with their significant others now, water the shit out of that love everyday, it is not easy but it is well worth it.

 

-CSV

 

Mi Gabo

 

 

Cuentos de Gabo

Book I bought in Cuba last summer of all of his collected stories. 

 

“Over the years they both reached the same wise conclusion by different paths: it was not possible to live together in any other way, or love in any other way, and nothing in this world was more difficult than love”- Gabriel Garcia Marquez (Love in the Time of Cholera).

 

To say that I will always remember his death is an understatement, but what I will always hold on to are his beautiful phrases whispered for the dreamers at heart. He touched my life to such a degree that I would not know love the way I do if it weren’t for him, his writing and all his magical stories. 

 

When I was eighteen years old and I was ready to conquer the life I had ahead of me, one book in specific was the first one to truly inspire me through the high tide and the floods that invaded my life at the time. I remember vividly being at my best friend Karly’s house and seeing the book on her living room coffee table. I glanced through it and she mentioned it was her mom’s and I was welcomed to borrow it. I went home that night and submerged myself into his world of magical realism, lustful stories, and melancholic yet loving words. My eyes scanned page after page and in every chapter I found inspiration, sadness, hope and relief, that I too could find love, even if it meant waiting years or even after experiencing loss.

 

I jotted down every single quote I thought sounded beautiful when read out loud and every single sentence that brought tears, confusion or laughter to my young mind. At the time I did not even have money to buy his books, so I would go to a public library and check them out. I would have to fight myself to not write on the books or highlight them, as I would typically want to because they were not mine. 

 

Gabo helped me understand that the mistakes I had made were a sacrifice I had made erroneously thinking I had to stay with someone even when I did not love them anymore. He showed me that if we go through a shipwreck, that it all passes and that I too will find the person I would go in search for, even if it meant solitude and patience. Gabo truly grasped the difficulty that it is to find true love, the love that makes you feel crazy and invincible and the one that keeps you alive. He understood that monotony drives a person insane and that an unexpected or non-traditional life will bring more joy with its difficulties than a traditional path filled with unhappiness and settling. He understood the dreams that lovers dream of, the drug that love becomes and the need for companionship. He understood me and my young mind as it grew older and understood the importance of having love and being loved in return.

 

That twisted yet magically beautiful story that it was Florentino’s and Fermina’s love, I wanted that and I never gave up. It was all about second chances but most importantly realizing that one should never give up on someone you truly love, regardless of the circumstances.

 

I will forever remember the night I finished reading Love in the Time of Cholera, how I sobbed and had an epiphany that if there was one thing I had to have in my life, it was LOVE.

 

So Gabo, thank you for all your words, they moved so many people and brought so many more together.

 

“Cada quien es dueño de su propia muerte, y lo unico que podemos hacer, llegada la hora, es ayudarlo a morir sin miedo ni dolor”.

 

 

Quarter of a Century (Old)

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As I turn a year older, I think back on all the incredible things I had happen to me this past year.

More so now than ever, I have a sense of accomplishment and gratification all due to the decisions I was able to make recently and the smaller things and details that bring me joy everyday.

 For years, 11 to be exact, I celebrated my birthday during the summer. I grew up in Chile, had one of the happiest childhoods all due to my vivid and active imagination where a card box was transformed into a castle and mud was a chocolate cake. I had the best parents as a little girl, always encouraged me to be myself, act crazy and not be limited by my resources. I have taken to heart all the lessons I have learned in my life and perhaps the one I will never forget is to appreciate the small things that cannot be translated into words but rather felt in our hearts. At 25 years of age I can say I have felt so much love. I have fun, loving and trustworthy people in my life, what more could I want?

Although my hair may be turning gray and my skin may not be as flawless as 7 or 10 years ago, with every wrinkle or mole comes a newfound wisdom, a new revelation about myself and about the person I continue to become.

It’s fun to grow up. I actually care about more than just myself; I wake up in the morning and look at him and think:

  “I wonder what he is dreaming about?”

 I think of my friends who are always there for me even if I go days or weeks without seeing them; it gives me peace knowing that they understand me and get where I am at right now.

 As I grow older all I ask for is to not change who I am in the inside. I keep reminding myself that I have these wonderful friends, family and boyfriend because I must have done something right along the way. It is so rare to have all the pieces fit at such a young stage in our lives, and my puzzle might not be quite there but I am on my way.

 This day will never happen again. Sure other birthdays will come, but the memory of turning 25 will forever stay with me. So I treasure today, not just like any other day; I have another chance to go up the stairs and catch my breath, another chance to kiss him good morning and another chance to be myself. I learned, after many presents and years of stressing out about planning parties, that although it is fun to open gifts and play with the gift wrap, it is much more valuable to know you are loved. Every year I get an early birthday phone call from my dad, since he always gets the dates mixed up, but it is so innocently sweet to know that regardless of the distance and the years he still knows that sometime between the first and second week of February his Coquito was born. Every year I anticipate the phone calls and messages of my loved ones and friends wishing me a happy birthday; I anticipate my sisters being silly and leaving a long voice message singing me an incredibly annoying off-pitch happy birthday song (never gets old) and this year all I want is a happy birthday kiss from the man I love.

 So here is to 25 years of age, or a quarter of a century old to make it more fancy. I could not be happier than this moment right now.

CSV

AFLOAT

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In the course of our precious and delicate lives we encounter individuals who challenge us and thus encourage us to change our perspectives and view life differently.

After a few months of frequenting this individual it grows to love and your life takes on a different path. It is no longer you or just one, it now becomes a good habit to think for more than yourself and partly because a portion of your heart now belongs to someone else.  Although we want to believe that we will have a fairy tale knock us right out of our socks, we deem ourselves much luckier when we actually encounter hardships and when this challenging individual teaches us to be more humble, appreciative or simply more loving. Not everybody is the same and sometimes this individual has a choice; he can sink with your past failed relationships, drift and remain aloof, or choose to stay afloat.

As humans we tend to be incredibly selfish and when something goes unplanned we think we are the only ones going through such a problem or issue or we are quick to point fingers. This past month has opened my eyes to see that my relationship may not be perfect but it doesn’t mean it’s sinking. I learned that I have to stop focusing on the small things and enjoy the bigger picture. The bigger picture is getting to go to bed next to the man I love and I get to vent to him about my horrible day at work or tell him the drama my friends are going through. I need to be more appreciative that he is willing to listen and he supports me whether I choose to go the wrong way on a one-way street or if I wear mismatched socks or shoes. We both have patched-up hearts and we both understand that in order to stay afloat we must work through our differences because we choose to be part of this crazy kind of love.  It is our choice to be in love and whatever emotions our chemical unbalances may bring on, we must talk through them. We must not be afraid to talk about our insecurities, concerns or fears; this person will only drift away with the current if you don’t speak up or if you don’t involve him or her in your life. I used to think I was a very talkative and open individual, but years of loneliness and daily routine has shut down a part of me. I am afraid to talk about my feelings if I am even so much as an ounce scared that I will be rejected or alleged of being wrong. I choose to stay afloat, whatever the storm or current may bring. We need to learn to accept our flaws, our fears and talk through them, because neither he/she nor I are perfect and perhaps common grounds can be built from the fears and uncertainties we each face.

For those who have drifted, they will eventually sink down and not resurface; they sank for a reason and that is where they should remain. Make peace with the sunken souls of your distant or near past. Whether it was them or you that chose to drift, it seemed like the most viable option at the time, because the bond or love was no longer present.

So afloat I will stay and sink I will not.

 

 

La Havana, Cuba

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Off to Cuba I go. I am sitting at gate C33 at DFW airport and cannot begin to express how blessed I am. I have an amazing family that supports my crazy adventures, friends that cheer me on and an amazing boyfriend. I will be gone for two weeks and with very limited internet connection. No worries, I will write frantically about it on my journal and become a story teller as soon as I come back. Just to think a year ago I was in Sevilla, Spain, now Cuba awaits!

Buen viaje!

-CSV