MY PATH

IMG_0104 - Version 2(From left to right: Myself, Danya, Paulina)

Is having children on your priority list?”
“I’m not going to answer that question. I’m not mad at you for asking that question, but I’ve said it before: I don’t think people ask men those questions.” —Zooey Deschanel

Being the youngest of my siblings I was constantly surrounded by older members of my family and or friends of my sisters. Ever since I could reason and had an opinion of my own I felt that my future consisted of a career, a significant other and a puppy. Throughout the years not much of that checklist has changed, I graduated college, live on my own, have a loving significant other but no puppy yet. Is it so wrong to not include children in your future? Why do women get graded on their worth based on whether or not they’ve had children? I respect women that decide to create a family and raise a child, but it should not make me a bad person to not want that for myself. Also, women should not be thought as good people only because they had a child; I know horrible mothers out there who neglect their children and should not be deemed great.

I feel that it is completely hurtful and ignorant to target other women that decide not to have children. There are several variables as to why one might not want children, perhaps they don’t like children or maybe they cannot have children, to each their own and they reserve the right to not be scrutinized for making such decision. It is hard to make a decision like that knowing that people will deem you strange or that you are going against nature; people it is not that complicated, just because I have a different stance or opinion than you, does not make me a bad person or should not make me a pariah. I love children, I may be incredibly awkward around them, which is why I was the worst babysitter ever. I respect and love my sister Danya for having had Tyler and for having Ella on the way. She is an incredible mother that has and will continue to show those beautiful babies what loving means. I respect my sister Paulina for giving all her love to my nephew and for helping my mom raise me. I look up to my mother who raised three crazy girls and we turned out to be normal loving human beings. I admire women that decided to have children whether it was their own or through adoption and I believe that women should root each other on instead of beat each other down. Let’s be nice to each other instead and respect each other’s opinions and lifestyles. Simply put, I do not think I was born to be a mother, and you should not have a say on that.

“It’s like, ‘Do you want to be an artist and a writer, or a wife and a lover?’ With kids, your focus changes. I don’t want to go to PTA meetings.” —Stevie Nicks

-CSV

Papucho’s 64th

Papucho's 64th

I remember when I was little I would get horrible motion sickness when I travelled by bus to see my grandmother in Quillota. In those moments as an eight-year-old, thinking that motion sickness was the most dreadful feeling in the world, my dad was by my side. My best memories involve my dad taking me with him on his daily adventures, which now seem like regular errands or chores but as a young girl I viewed them as brave acts of spontaneity and adventure. My dad and I would take off to a day filled with questionable street food, feeding stray dogs and travelling by bus for an hour or so to go eat at my grandmother’s house. We loved going to Quillota together, I having an old soul as a little girl did not mind spending a whole afternoon listening to my grandmother or reading the newspaper or talking to my uncle Peruco.
At times, when I’m having a stressful day, week, hour, or what have you I think of my dad. He brings complete serenity to my life. As years went by, I always went to him for words of wisdom or just to talk. He always encouraged my dreams and creativity and never questioned me as a growing individual.

As a teenager he transitioned from being there for me past motion sickness and into heartbreak. He was always the voice of reason behind decisions I would act on and because of him I do not regret, I learn.

I’ve seen my dad weep, laugh, struggle and enjoy his life and I thank God every second that he is still in my life. I have not seen his sweet face or held his wrinkly hands in over two years but I sure take advantage of technology and get to hear his sweet voice over the phone every week and as much as I can. Anytime my day feels dull or when I feel things are slipping off my hands, I give him a quick call. All he has to say is:
“Hola mi coquito” and once he says that I exhale and feel okay.

So this post is in his honor, for being the rock to my very fragile yet willing heart. He is amazing and he is my dad.

Happy Birthday mi papucho, te amo! Here’s to rocking on for the past 64 years!

CSV

Swift

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Gabriel Garcia Marquez once said “la gente que uno quiere deberia morirse con todas sus cosas” (the people that we love should die along with all their belongings). This week one of my close friends lost her mom. It was so sudden and unexpected that it really made me think about big changes in life that we are not prepared to face.

As I was listening to her family speak today at the funeral, I realized that even I felt pain and it was not even my own mother. I shed tears and looked around the church and saw many faces that were there to not mourn but to celebrate the life of this deeply-loved individual. She was kind, always smiling and I was fortunate enough to cross her path once or twice. I wish I could have thanked her for giving me such an amazing friend.

When swift changes come into our lives we are bound to feel pain; we feel like there’s no ending to this suffering you find yourselves trapped in, when in reality it is our option to keep suffering or let the suffering continue to what feels like eternity. Death is something we fear and as we grow up, it’s hard to grasp loosing a close friend or a close family member. I don’t foresee saying goodbye to my mom or dad and I’ve already warned my mom that she needs to go to every type of doctor to ensure she’ll stay with me forever.
I realized this week that I am a damn fortunate gal to have both of my parents in my life even though my dad resides in Chile and I honestly cannot tell you what will go through my mind when the day comes that I don’t have my mom next to me or my dad answer the phone on the other line.

So although the pain feels like it can go on forever, the suffering need not last; life is but a beautiful dream and whatever faith you believe in, will surely give you an even better place once you’ve left this life.

It would be much easier to have someone pass and take all they had along with them, but how would we keep their legacy? If you’ve lost someone remember them and speak of them, suffering disappears the more we let the pain out. I still think of my grandma Jercia who left a huge imprint in my life as a little girl. I still have her ring and when melancholy sets in I choose to smile and think of her funny anecdotes; people want to be remembered for times of joy and love.

Let me remind you that love will outlast just about anything, and if we love on a daily basis, suffering will have no room in our lives. Go out there and LOVE.

This is dedicated to my dear friends Brianne, Lindsay, Karly & Sarah, love y’all!

Easy to Love

easy to love

It was a natural and unpremeditated love, a kind I had never experienced before.

 This past Thursday at 5:20 PM I became “Tia Coco”. I drove to Houston Saturday afternoon and when I laid eyes on my nephew for the first time I realized that there is a kind of love that everyone should be entitled to feel. There is a love out there that is unintended, not planned, easy and organic, this kind of love should be the love that we all get to experience and should hold on tight to.

As all my friends know I am terrified of babies, never been natural at taking care of them, let alone holding them. As soon as I saw Tyler for the first time, I was overcome with pure happiness and warmth. It is such a crazy thought that two people created this tiny human being, made with pure love. If you are my friend you know I have repeatedly said that I don’t see myself having kids, but seeing my nephew, hearing him breathe and hearing his heart beat made me wish I had someone to share this moment with and have a baby of my own.

That night as I was thinking in bed at the hotel on how many times I’ve felt the kind of love that is sudden and accidental- the love that catches you unexpectedly and makes you think about where you are headed in life, I realized that it has quietly manifested itself in my life. We should all allow ourselves to feel that, to have our hearts hesitate when this strong emotion arrives and be confused as to why a stranger can trigger such premature yet real emotions.

Manifestations of such strong feelings can appear in dreams, be the line of a song that only your heart can tune to or a promised forever by your side; loving the right person should always be easy.

As Ivan and Alyosha’s song Easy to Love says “as the skies turn black, and we know it will from time to time, we came out on top, because you are really easy to love”, I got to thinking that this perfect stranger I find myself standing in front of should feel like that song: easy to love, no questions asked, someone I would follow across the globe just to wrap my arms around or nap next to. As humans we seek to belong and be loved, neither should be forced nor manipulated- it should flow.

 It was easy to love Tyler, a tiny perfect stranger: I cannot wait until he grows up.

-Tia Coco

 

 

2013 = Happiness

new years blog pic

What will be my resolution for 2013? I will be absolutely happy.

For over a month now I’ve been consumed by my books and work but I need to stop draining myself.

I feel like a lot of my moments of clarity happen in my dreams, a place where the impossible seems possible and where fantasy should rule. However, my dreams always seem so realistic and keep me grounded. In my dream last night, you were far away from me, distant, preoccupied with other people. As I wake up and lay in bed for another hour, wrapped in my blankets like a cocoon, I could hear the rain pouring outside and had the urge to hear your voice and call you but I stopped myself. I’ve accepted the fact that having you in my dreams is better than the reality that we face, and so I will keep you there until you sail away from my mind or better yet, until I at least see you one more time.

And so 2013 better reassure me of what my gut is trying to tell me: accept the happiness that comes to my life, have it be through phone calls, letters, or successes. I am happy but could be happier if I look at my life from a different perspective. As a human, I always want more than what I have which is not always a bad thing. In 2013 I will receive and create happiness. I am the most fortunate to have an incredible family that is always there for me, regardless of the distance; I have a close group of girlfriends that others wish they had and opportunities that will only open up more windows and doors that I could have ever imagined.

2012 was a year of growth. I traveled and saw places I never thought I would find myself at. I made new friends and learned why old friends are still a gem to my life. I decided that what I want to study is what will bring me most of my happiness. I welcomed new family members and saw my mom the happiest she has ever been. I have crossed the path of the type of man I never thought I would ever meet, and he has reminded me that life can be limitless.

My first order of business for 2013 is to build my own happiness. I will not wait for others to come along and show me I can be happy. I am ready to graduate in May, start a career with whatever opportunity arises. I am thrilled to keep traveling as I’ll be heading to Cuba at the end of May. I cannot wait to create more memories with my crazy girlfriends, as they are all so unique, intelligent and hilarious. And I ask my family to keep being patient with me in my crazy ideas and plans.

I will keep crossing oceans and seas to discover more about myself; perhaps you will find me in the way, if it’s not too late.

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My mother had a dream; it was to provide an amazing life for myself and my sisters. It is safe to say that she has made that happen. It’s not whether we are happy here or not, that has never been the question. It is rather the amount of happiness we have lived here and could not be more thankful for the lives we have. She has spent 4,380 days in the USA and I am ever so thankful for her to have made the decision to be brave, get all her things packed in a tiny suitcase and venture off into a world that seemed to promise her the life she had imagined of as a teenager when she listened to The Mamas and The Papas, Simon and Garfunkel, among others.

The past twelve years have gone by so fast that today when I took her to a celebratory lunch we had not thought of how different things seemed when we first moved here. We struggled a lot, we shed tears for missing our family in Chile so much but time healed those wounds and we overcame our problems and insecurities being foreigners. This does not mean that we don’t think of Chile everyday or our amazing family that has rooted for us and stood by us regardless of the years passing by. For years pass but the memories will never fade. Even during the hardest times, you never gave up or showed any sign of weakness and I admire you for that.

So mom, thank you, I will never be able to repay you.