“How is it that I arrived here?” I whispered in the dark.
In the dark of my room, when my eyes are wide open but all I see is dark blue spots of light before the pitch black of the night sinks in.
I followed all my epiphanies but I ignored the biggest ones too. After a few months of good mornings and good nights, he said it was nice bumping into you in this life. We shared several mornings of bad breaths and several nights of ache, after busy days at work or days battling our internal demons. I was there for it all, through the good and the bad. So how did I arrive here, alone?
At night, I stay awake and hear Fitz breathing, without a care in the world. He is sleeping, dreaming of bones and playing in the yard, while I remain awake, hoping my phone will go off and it will be him calling, telling me he missed me and wants me back.
Wants ME back? Wait a minute, how did I arrive here, where someone else makes the decision? It is foreign to me, all of this, I am the one that walks away, or knows when to give up. I usually know when to stop something or when not to even let it start. So how did I arrive here? And why am I waiting?
I keep waiting, hoping he’ll hear a song and remind him of me. He’ll think he rushed to have walked away so soon, when the love had a chance to flourish, when the love songs would soon make sense and he would think “here I am, able to love again”.
We arrive at someone’s doorstep, heartbroken, in this case he arrived at mine. I gave it all I had. So why am I here, alone? Did I not give him enough? Did I give him too much?
The lady that read my cards told me that I often give too much and do not get back the same in return. Is it because in my previous long relationship I left him, someone that needed me, someone that was not ready to give up? Is karma here to stay?
Karma, please turn around. Couldn’t I be happy this once? Why didn’t he stay? I looked for him, yes, I did. I didn’t need anyone, I needed him.
I ignored the epiphanies that showed me he was not all in, I just thought time would change things. I promise I am smarter than this, usually. I have always been able to walk away.
It is so ever more hurtful when you are left after you were just you, yourself, with imperfections, with mistakes, you let him see all of you in hopes he would love it all. You wanted him to hear your childhood stories, know all your fears, listen to you when you would describe your odd dreams, because you take your dreams seriously. But then he walked away.
That is why it hurts, because it was truly me who wanted ALL of him, in his good and bad days, through the easy days and the hard ones. I said to him that this ride might not be easy, that life is unpredictable, but I would be there for him. So why did he walk away? I didn’t think he would turn the page.
So how is it that I am still here, waiting? Chances are slim he’ll come back to waltz.