“But for those first affections, those shadowy recollections, which, be they what they may”- William Wordsworth
I have paid my dues. I have had many first affections and I constantly look back on shadowy recollections of my past. Bad karma has followed me for almost two years now: stumbling upon the wrong guys or maybe the right ones but the timing nor the place were right. As I sat in my long Literature class last night, listening to my old professor recite some poems, something he said kept echoing in my ears:
“Time does not pass, it just accumulates”
I had never thought of it that way. It all made sense; I constantly reminisce on my past and keep accumulating all the thoughts, misguided feelings and stored emotions that I once felt and have not let go of. We cannot help but store snippets of our best or worst memories that we have lived through and ever so often we reach into that box and look at those moments that once brought tears or smiles to our faces. Why do we do that to ourselves? Perhaps just to remember a certain someone, or maybe we feel unhappy at the moment and torture ourselves by remembering how good it all once was and regret everything we have lost. At times, I want to beat myself up for letting that one person go, or for not saying all that I could have said to a certain someone, but there’s nothing left to do, what I did not do or say is done. As I told a friend today, time allows us not only to grow but also to change. I am definitely not the same girl I was at 16 and the years I have lived ever since have certainly shaped me and mold me to who I am today. To take control of my future, I must let go of the bitterness and pain that my past keeps reminding of.
So, Dear Past:
Do not disturb me anymore. Who I am today and what I want in my future does not involve you. I have already made peace with everything I have done before and so it would be appreciated if you do not keep accumulating my past fears and reasons for tears any longer. I do not regret anything that was done or said but I don’t need daily reminders of them, what is done, is done.
So, Dear Hope:
Don’t let me down please. I have always been your number one fan. I always keep a positive attitude when I meet someone even if the circumstances seem so out of sorts. I have always been the one to preach “better to feel something than not feel anything at all”, regardless of the consequences and whether the result I got was what I was expecting or not.
We grow older and when we stop accumulating time and let it pass by wisdom comes in play. All the men that I have crossed paths with, crossed my way for a reason. Whether they left a good imprint on me or not, that is me to judge. I have learned so much from each and every encounter, and I will continue to do so until the right one comes. No fear lies ahead, just pure hope and no doubts.
I’ve paid back in full to Karma, keep the change!