And so sixteen days went by and the curse emerged. Silently, I was waiting for this to happen. I had an immense hesitation to hold back feelings and not completely give in to his touch and charm. For over a year now, I have dated a couple of guys and nothing good has come out of it. This time, I’m glad the curse showed itself so early. I would have wasted my entire summer if I had stayed with him. Cockiness aside: I am not going to take his calls ever again; he does not deserve to have me in his life. If I could rewind that night’s events, I would not. I needed this to happen so that I could see his true colors and intentions. Originally I thought:
-“Is this really happening to me again? WHY!”
Then I breathed deeply holding back tears of shame and anger as I was driving home late at night and I felt a sense of relief. I could breathe and suddenly felt at peace that I had gotten rid of a weight off my shoulders that was resting there for weeks. I realized that no matter how bad he made me feel, no matter how diminishing his words were, I was free from the future pain of possible abuse or a very unhealthy relationship. How I ended up with someone like that is beyond my comprehension, but my gut feeling had been telling me to slow down and really take a look from the outside perspective before committing to someone. Like they say, always trust your instincts. Now he is nothing but a memory, a lesson learned to stop making things appear a way that they are not. Like a friend told me (RC), I will never be fully prepared when the right person comes along. It will strike me like a lightning and I cannot wait for that moment. I want to have that epiphany once more of me realizing that I cannot live without him. Knowing that my life would not be the same without that man is a beautiful concept that is yet to happen. I have said it before and I will say it again, I will not let a bad streak of men bring me down. Who are we kidding, we can’t live with them and we can’t live without them.
I am currently reading Paulo Coelho’s The Devil and Ms. Prym and in there he says:
“Every time you wish something, keep your eyes wide open, focus and know exactly what you want. No one hits the target with eyes closed”.
His books always hit that spot of making you reflect where you are at in your life. I cannot help but think about love in a daily basis, it’s part of my nature. I like to love and feel loved. As humans, we always seek for reciprocated feelings, mutual understanding and acceptance. Without those three we tend to feel empty. It’s bewildering that we seek those feelings from others and sometimes even perfect strangers. I will tell you this though; I need to learn more about myself. Like my friend Brianne told me while we were having lunch last week, when we keep dating people and it doesn’t work out there comes a time that we find an adequate person for us but by then our heart is broken, patched-up and not entirely itself. We have been through so much by then that we are not able to give that one person our whole hearts. So I will learn more about myself while I recover from this lesson I recently learned and maybe, just maybe, my heart will not suffer anymore. I know I didn’t see him for that long, but the way he treated me will never be repeated by any other man.
Maybe, women should start walking around with signs saying “DO NOT DISTURB”, that way men would not have a chance to hurt our feelings and take a piece of our hearts. So I will take this time to learn more about my heart and my soul.
Dear heart: I will not let you suffer any longer. I promise I will take a break from compulsive decisions and although I am a queen of compulsiveness and equivocal feelings, I will let you be. I will wear a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign until you are ok to let a man dwell in you and win you over.
Till then, I will keep being myself.