“Let us forget with generosity those who do not love us” -Pablo Neruda
I once told a friend that if faced with uncertain emotions, your reaction to the response you were so desperately waiting for will clarify your feelings. At times, we find ourselves in a black hole, thinking that we knew exactly what we were looking for but suddenly feel at odds with our reality. Every so often, I make the mistake of getting ahead of myself, wanting to skip steps in my life and jump right onto what I thought was the result I wanted. When I arrive at that moment, I step back and doubt myself. Why? I was not ready to be at that place in my life. This is where I’m at right now. I realized that for the past year or so, I was looking for a soul mate, when in reality I am only 22 years old and can’t be so hard on myself trying to find the perfect man. I have met someone (the man from my last post) and so far so good. Is he my soul mate? I don’t know yet, we’ll find out.
When we have been wanting something for so long, we can’t help but put enormous pressure on ourselves to convert something into what we want it to be, rather than stepping back and seeing what it really is. I can be pretty naïve when it comes to love and relationships, but no more. I’m not saying I’m not going to give this awesome man a chance, he’s worth my time; but I’m not going into this friendship/ potential relationship thinking that he has to be “the one”. My sister Paulina pointed out that when she hears me talk about men, she sees my longing for a future husband, which is not what I thought I was projecting. I am ready for a long-lasting relationship with someone I connect and can fall in love with. I want to feel the emotions I once felt when I was truly in love. Can we replicate feelings that we’ve had in the past? Are we allowed to long for the same feelings but from a different person?
I was talking to my friend Monica the other day over dinner, and I realized that she has a huge heart and goes above and beyond for the man she loves. I give her kudos for being so strong and dedicated to a long distance relationship. Then I thought: Would I be able to handle it? I am the type of girlfriend that likes to see her boyfriend every day, even if it’s for a short amount of time. I am not the clingy type; I just like to show my affection by sharing my day with him and vice versa. Obviously I have a different life now then when I had a boyfriend, so truthfully I wouldn’t be able to see him every day, with the exception of being able to time-travel or be at two places at once.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: relationships take work and dedication. We spend countless hours analyzing the person we are with or see ourselves with. I know I spend my day thinking about last night’s conversation and remembering if I left anything out. I spend time thinking if he’s really into me or not. We spend hours waiting for them to call or txt. I am tired of waiting for initiative. I rather put in the effort (even if it goes against all “rules”) and tell him to meet me half way. There’s always a 50/50 chance that the result we get is not what we want, or our reactions to a scenario tell us a different answer than what we were expecting. Seize everyday once you find that connection with someone and take your time to truly find out what it is that you want. We can’t spend hours analyzing rather than acting. If we sit down and wait for love to come, we might miss it. It takes dedication and work, but in the end it’s better to hurt then not feel at all. I know I have reached the time to exclusively see someone when I am at peace with that person having his own personal life and me trusting them. It is an unexplainable feeling of maturity and comfort, knowing that I am not the immature girl I once was, expecting for reciprocated respect without earning it. I can safely say that I am ready for a relationship with a man who gives me and expects respect. We can be indifferent towards love, but if in search of it, we can’t sit down and wait for it to magically appear. Tears will come and go, love might fade or present itself; you will never know if you don’t give it a shot. Don’t let a bad streak of relationships ruin your hope for new ones to come. I know I make the mistake of comparing relationships or thinking that the scenarios will repeat themselves. I know my biggest flaw is trying to move on while still looking back. Like Pablo Neruda once said, “keep on going, do not look back”, which is what we all at one point need to do. I’m not saying that it’s healthy to completely erase our past, it’s there for one reason: to learn from our mistakes. So don’t let love pass you by, the past will stay in the past, and the future is for your to mold. So the answer is TO LOVE. I know I’m going to stop caring about my baggage and carry ons and will carry them with me until I completely move on and open up to this new interest. The feelings are mutual all I have to do is let my past go. All it takes is dedication and work. When faced with doubt, look at your reaction to the situation, it will give you the answer you are looking for.. waiting is the most important lesson I have learned from love.