274

It's always so hard to move on while still looking at the past

Today marks 274 days. That’s how long I’ve been single, as in; no man has been able to commit to me other than me leaving my key under the door mat. I’d like to say that 9 months ago I thought by now I would be seriously committed to the man that I was to fall in love with and not keep looking to the side for something better. The time has yet to come. I am 22 years old and I honestly don’t want to settle for anything less than what I deserve. Men have a vague interpretation of 22-year-olds as flaky and immature but I am not your typical 22- year-old woman. For the past 4 years or so, I trapped myself in my books and created a parallel world of what my relationships should be like. That totally messed up my life, to say the least. Although I am a hopeless romantic I try not to expect romance. So when I was looking for inspiration on what to write next I turned the tables around and began to write about my life, failures and successes as they are. I have gone on countless dates for the past couple of months and just when I thought I liked the guy, it all decomposed. My friends constantly judged me for not being picky enough and giving any guy a chance, but now that I am being more selective, men have disappeared from the face of the earth. I honestly don’t remember it being this difficult to find someone. I tell myself “Cinthya, the day will come when you will stop stumbling upon the wrong guys and finally be at peace with finding your other half”. I want that day to be here. Dating is so mentally exhausting. Us women, get all worked up about our upcoming date, we already begin to envision what our lives would be like with that person, when in the end they let us down. There are countless reasons to why it might not work out. Some are just not meant for you while others are completely indifferent to the concept of commitment. Why is it so complicated? A friend once told me “women think too much”. I take things very personal and immediately proceeded to punch him thinking that he had meant that women should think less and be less smart than men. I was wrong. What he meant to say was that women overanalyze everything. We tend to think of every scheme possible and every answer to any question or situation we come across. Why can’t we just let things flow? Better yet, why can’t I conform to being by myself?  I utterly surrender to the cause of love.

I guess it’s true that when we pay attention to solitude it’s when we feel the loneliest. I could easily pretend I’m okay but truth be told I cry myself to sleep feeling miserable. I tell myself to not care too much that I don’t have anyone to share my life with right now but if I look back at my life, my happiest moments were next to the man I thought to be in love with. Obviously I was not in love, but perhaps I did love them. There’s a difference, you know. You can love and we are capable of loving more than one person at a time. But being in love with someone is a completely different thing. I was in love once and I’m fortunate to say that I have loved and I have been loved in return. It is such an exhilarating feeling that when that person feels the same way, it magnifies our emotions and it intensifies the love that will never fade. I want to feel like that again. He made me feel so alive, every waking minute of my day I was happy. I daydreamt of ways we could be together and happy without people’s prejudice, but regardless of all the planning and all the ridiculous scheming, nothing could save the love. He chose the other path. I can now say that I’m okay with his decision, but a wound will always reside in my heart. I will not be that happy ever again unless it’s with him. So now I am on a search to feel that way, to replicate those emotions, if that’s even possible without cloning him. I love to be in love. I grew sick of reading all these amazing love stories and me not have lived one, at least not one with a happy ending.

I can be the queen of contradictions. I say I’m okay with the decision he made of not staying with me, but if I’m writing about it I’m obviously not over it. I was blind to think that it would have a happy ending; I was oblivious to the fact he had a baby with someone else and that he had to take responsibility of his actions. I was a fool to rush to his arms and fall in love. It can be easily argued that it was all lust but all the tears I shed could form an endlessly flowing river of resentment, pain and suffering that I did not know I could feel. End of argument. And so what would I say if I were to see him again? Our expectations and our reality tend to never align. And so it would go a little something like this:

I was in love with you .I still love you. We could have figured out a way to be together; not really, she forced you to stay with her. I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. You are the only guy I’ve ever loved. I was immature to not give us a chance years ago. You messed up too by not being persistent. I cried endlessly. I cried in my car driving home, on my way to the grocery store, on my way to school, cried myself to sleep. Every time I see you I don’t know what to do. All the times I’ve seen you I want to run into your arms and kiss you one more time. I love you. I will always love you.

We tend to put ourselves in messed-up situations in life and this one is one of them. I woke up crying one night from dreaming about him. It has evidently impacted my life. Even if I’m interested in a different guy, he has a way of creeping into my dreams and not leaving. I want the day to come when I wake up and go on with my day not having a single thought involving him. (Sigh). That’s going to take a while. I want a reawakening of feelings. I want to re-set my mind into feeling no pain, erasing all the thoughts that bring me suffering and start with a clean slate; is that possible? I didn’t think so. It’s going to take a lot more than super natural abilities and robotic technology to erase my past thoughts and feelings. It’s so easy to fall in love with that person but so hard to let go once they are not meant for you.

It’s such an enigmatic concept to grasp that love can bring you the happiest and darkest time of your life.

I have lived such beautiful and unforgettable moments with that person I loved, but he has put me through the darkest times of my life trying to forget him.

Dreaming about a perfect man is not a viable option in my mind anymore. I want this draining journey of self healing, self discovery and the hunt for the love of my life to come to an end. It’s too much to ask for him to love me once more. Our cosmic chances have run out, there are no more destined meetings written in our futures. I must move on, let go, turn the page and fall out of love.

Right when I made the decision of moving on, he found his way back to my life.  On the day of my 22nd birthday, I was to meet up with friends to go out for drinks and celebrate the fact that my body is no longer capable of recovering as well as it did when I was a teenager. To my surprise, he was there. I obviously had not invited him; so much had happened in the past year that we were not even in speaking terms for the months that followed our scandalous affair. Don’t get me wrong, just seeing him made my night. Flashbacks of our time together ran through my mind: his lips kissing me in the cold nights, feeling his breath close to me, falling asleep in his arms. I wanted to cry. I definitely needed closure. The night went smoothly; I had two drinks in my hand the whole night. Fast forward two hours and I am a bit inebriated dancing with him.  Fast forward to the next morning and I woke up thinking: “was I stupid enough to let him kiss me?”  The answer is yes. In all honesty I did not expect anything from him. As much as I’m in love with him, I knew he was not ready for anything, let alone with the person that everyone knew he had an affair with. Because of my trusty sources I knew he was single but that didn’t make a difference. He is not the type of man to take initiative.

Couple of days went by and I received a phone call from him. He apologized for kissing me on my birthday. That night I saw him. He came over to my place and as we drank wine we talked for hours on end about what had become of our lives in the months we were apart from each other.  Little by little we grew closer and although we did not talk about “us”, the silence said it all. As we were sitting outside in my balcony, we sat next to each other not saying a word. We smoked a cigarette and by the end of it, he had me wrapped in his arms. Oh, how I wanted to cry. I could not tell you the immense will I had, to hold back those tears. He kissed me, this time he meant it.

How can someone hold so much of your feelings and let them all out with the mere touch of their lips against yours? It’s love.

Is that the last time I’ll see him? I could not tell you. All I know is that I am in love with him and I’ll always remember him that way.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Karly says:

    sin palabras

  2. D.A. says:

    For real dude. Your name should be Cinthya Bradshaw… :)
    Um, who’s this person? And where can I go kick him?

  3. D.A. says:

    Scratch that. I had skipped a paragraph… and now I know :(

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